The unworried lesion

• Bloodwork, appointment with NP S and Dr. T and treatment at Siteman South County

NP S came in today and we talked about last week's CT. We talked about the "stable 7 mm low-attenuation lesion" in my liver that is mentioned in the CT report (as it has been for the past 2 CTs.) I wanted to get a better understanding of why exactly we aren't worried about it. We talked with NP S about it (and plenty of other things) and she left the room for a bit to discuss it with Dr. T. They both came back into the room to talk to us. But before they came back in, Dr. T had NP S (and NP A) pull up all of my scans and the corresponding reports since I was diagnosed and apparently you can see this same "lesion" on all of the CTs and MRIs, even when it isn't mentioned in the reports. The radiologists who read the scans have criteria that they use to determine whether they think it is a lesion or cyst or if they think it could be metastatic disease. And apparently all along, my 7 mm spot is passing the tests for just being a lesion. So we'll just keep watching it and as long as it remains unchanged, we remain unworried. Sure, unworried. We agreed that getting an MRI (to get a better look at it) is reasonable and on my next set of scans (in January), I will have an MRI of that area, along with my regular scheduled CTs. Seems okay by me.

During our conversations, I got a little teary-eyed with NP S and then again with them both. I find myself just so TIRED OF IT ALL. I know that they both see patients everyday in much worse conditions than me, so afterwards, I do feel a little stupid about it. But I AM allowed to feel... however I feel. I know, I know, I'm unbelievably thankful that it hasn't gotten worse at this point. And I'm thankful for all of the things that I continue to be able to do everyday. I am. Look at me. I'm working full-time, I'm traveling, I'm being active (I played soccer TONIGHT), I'm living my life. I think about family and friends who have lost loved ones to cancer. I think about my friend BAH (#thegreathencini) who was diagnosed with cancer (a different, far more aggressive kind) in November 2014 and then passed away 6 months later. I just need to get it out sometimes, scream it from mountain tops, or in this case, cry about it in front of my doctor. When it is just NP S, Hector and I in the room again, I tell NP S that I do feel better after this appointment. She reminds me that being there to answer questions and to talk through my concerns is one of the reasons that they are there.

One other thing that we talked about is my first year colonoscopy coming up due at the end of January. Since I will already be getting an extra week off from chemo during the beginning of January for an out-of-town vacation, they might extend it another week to give me a full month break before my colonoscopy. I will have to be off Avastin for 4 weeks before the procedure anyway, so if I do feel like I want/need an additional week, that would be the time. It's an idea that we all cautiously agree upon for now. Before that decision is finalized though, we'll have the results of more Guardant testing (blood was drawn for it today), the results of CEA testing done over the next 3 months and the results from my scans at the beginning of January. So we'll see what January brings.