Say cheese

• Bloodwork, appointment with Dr. T NP S and treatment at Siteman South County

This is apparently what I look like when I'm trying to take a picture of myself smiling during treatment. I'm not sure I could even try to recreate some of these faces.

We had a good conversation with NP S today, as Dr. T and NP A are both out-of-town. She assured me that the pain and swelling that I've been experiencing could very well be due to the Xeloda and it's cumulative efforts. So I'm going to start tracking it all even better, when it starts, how long it lasts, etc. to see if we can tie it back to the Xeloda. And of course it could be a million other things but my CT is clear, so that's the news we're going to focus on.

Hot mess

• Appointment at the Siteman Cancer Care Clinic at Big Barnes

If this is what my future holds for me, I'm going to need to add my doctor's office to my Friends & Family plan**.  I'm just not good at being sick. I've traded voicemails and calls a couple times with a couple nurses today and I'm just freaking out. My abdomen is swollen and I understand that my CT was clear, but something doesn't feel right. The pain in my side is like a 6 on the 1-10 scale. Aaaaand I'm supposed to go out of the country on Sunday. Help.

I get an afternoon appointment at the clinic and my sister Laura swings by my office to take me... but after some negative blood work to check for a possible infection, I'm headed back home.

** Don't be insulted if you aren't on it by the way, it's purely hypothetical.

Loopty loop

• CT scan at Barnes West County Hospital

I was really nervous for today's scan. It didn't help that after I got my port accessed and I was mere steps away from the machine... it went off-line. My options were to reschedule my scan (not an option) or go to the main hospital and get worked into their schedule. Another line, another hospital pager!

I made it back to work after the scan but I wasn't focused. My brain was in a never-ending loop of "scan results, scan results, consequences of scan results." I decided to take some of Teri's advice from yesterday and I placed a call through to my nurse... just to check... maybe they would have some preliminary results. And bingo! NED is still in town.

Cheesecake until you can cheesecake no more

Bloodwork and treatment at Siteman West County

It was a relatively smooth morning today. My bloodwork continues to look okay and the Avastin infusion was too quick for even a short nap. It's like when you fly to Chicago and there's hardly even time for peanuts.

I got to spend some time after work with one of my favorite people. My late-July CT has been moved to tomorrow to try and resolve the mysteries of my right-side pain and abdominal swelling, and Teri offered to meet up tonight to talk through some things. I'm so thankful for her friendship. She suggested that I try to make a gratitude list of things that I am thankful for. Something that could help get my mind in a better place. Her example of being thankful for what cancer has brought into her life was me. And she talked about how we otherwise would have never met. But she's thankful to know me, and to know Hector, and to have spent time with my friends at the bakery after the undy run, and to have developed a better friendship with the person who connected us... and it really got me thinking.

I'm going to work on that gratitude list tomorrow. Maybe during my CT! There's always time for peanuts while I'm getting a scan.

I believe

The late late show

What I am up late reading...

https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201503/the-new-cancer-survivors.

While I never experienced blood in my urine as a warning sign, there are a lot of other things in this article that I find relatable. I do worry about the mental health aspect a lot. It's hard to think of yourself as happy and lucky to be alive when some days are so terribly hard. It's definitely something that I continue to work on everyday.