#motivationmonday

Shelfie

• Appointment with a Siteman Counseling Center psychologist at West County

It's been months since I've met with a professional to talk through things. The last person I met with felt like I graduated and had set me free. And maybe that helped me to feel strong for awhile, that someone with initials after her name believed that I was managing my emotions in a healthy way. Fast-forward to live action though and right now I'm just not so sure that I should be trying to manage them on my own.

While my heart is full of joy and laughter ("togetherness, well that's all I'm after"), I also have had some heavier moments of sadness and fear and anger. These moments that have felt uncontainable have led to tears at work and fighting with friends about silly things and lying awake at all hours. And while I need to be fair to myself and allow myself to feel all emotions, I also could use some help wrangling them in.

Today we talked about acknowledging all emotions as they occur, but being able to set those heavy ones aside on a shelf for further examination at a "better" time. Even setting a time every day when I might write about those emotions so that my brain knows that at say 8, for example, there will be some time to focus on whatever is on the shelf that day. We talked about how writing can help your mind think in a more linear, organized fashion. First A then B then C. Instead of a wandering brain that often has no order at all. It sounds good and it will most likely be written words never shared with another person, but at least they won't be left on a shelf to get heavier... and then come crashing down.

My high school soccer coach used to encourage me to not wear my heart on my sleeve** so I think it's safe to say that I've always been an emotional person. He tried really hard to get me to believe in myself. A favorite memory is from the year-end banquet at the end of my first season, Coach had prepared a list of his favorite quotes from the season, some from talks after key wins or tough losses... and one quote that was just three little words... "Come on Bernie!" It was the one thing that he had said the most that season from the sidelines. Yours truly was the target and it was motivation shall we say to get myself into the game and to quit monkey-butting around. (He was very quotable.) He saw what I didn't see in myself and that memory makes me smile and want to go run some hill sprints.


**A quick on-line search reveals this definition:

"Wearing one's heart on your sleeve" is not something that you want to do. This idiom means that a person is overly sensitive and easily hurt by minuscule things. Or, it means that the person has no control of emotions and shows or acts on his/her feelings too readily. When we have some emotional maturity, we can discern how and when showing our feelings is appropriate. 

Expressing appropriate emotional responses takes practice and knowing what one really feels before one acts. Don't force expressing your feelings but learn to recognize what you are feeling. Then you can choose how, or if, you wish to express them. Not on your sleeve, but from your brain.

Friends

Cancer makes it easy to feel alone and scared, but good friends won't stand for that!

Book it

• Appointment with Dr. C in the Center for Advanced Medicine (CAM) building at Big Barnes

Dr. C started by confirming all the things that Dr. T had told me over the phone about moving forward with liver wedge resections. He explained that it will not be a laporascopic surgery, based on the location of the tumors in my liver, and the recovery might be painful when I cough... or breathe (as my ribs will have to be pulled out of the way during the surgery).  The good news is that the liver regenerates so I will hopefully grow back a full and healthy non-tumory liver.

Survival statistics for metastatic colon cancer (stage IV) are much better when the cancer has only traveled to the liver and can all be surgically removed. Now I know mine did also go to my ovaries, but that cancer was also surgically removed. And I know I'm not a statistic, but I think it is good to be informed.

I had a big sheet of questions for Dr. C and I like how he smiled and basically said "okay, bring it" when I told him that I had been doing some research on-line in advance of this appointment, but then he carefully answered every question and concern thoughtfully. Dr. C thinks he can get it all. And I'm a believer!

Needed this today

The tumor board of hope

After my shower this morning, I came out to discover a voicemail from Dr. T. That's right kids... today is tumor board day! Since I don't exactly have his direct line, I called into his office and left all possible contact numbers for me today. Unfortunately the wait for a return call gave me plenty of time to think about all the things that we had talked about on Tuesday, especially about "buying (me) more time." Man, I hate the way that sounds. I HATE IT.

When Dr. T called back, it made me so happy to hear what sounded like happiness in his voice. The discussion about me with the tumor board this morning had gone well. Many ideas were talked about and the conclusion reached is for me to have wedge resections done on my liver around the most exterior mets and possibly ablation on the more interior one. To look into this plan further, I will be meeting with Dr. C, liver surgeon, next Wednesday. The call makes me feel optimistic! Hopeful! Prepared! Encouraged! Ready! Now we just need to wait 6 weeks for the Avastin to clear from my system. Tick. Tock.

Dr. T seems confident that this plan is going to be put into action, so my chemo for Tuesday has been canceled.

You have my full attention

• Appointment with Dr. T at Siteman South County

NP S came in and talked with Hector and I first. We covered a lot of things, in about 30-40 minutes. And after she discussed things with Dr. T, the four of us all sat together.

The Guardant blood test done earlier this month shows that I definitely have active cancer cells again. Some bits that have shed off from the tumors (based on DNA analysis) are in my bloodstream and that, is not great news. It is hard for me to explain it all, but I think this video does a good job: http://video.cnbc.com/gallery/?video=3000505715.

Putting together all of the information that we have, liver lesions on CTs/MRIs, blood work, CEA test results (up but still considered normal), the Guardant blood test and how I've been feeling, it all points to a recurrence that needs attention.

Dr. T is going to present my case to the tumor board on Thursday morning. From what I understand, it is a meeting of knowledgeable minds to talk through available options. And in advance of that meeting, another radiologist will read all of my scans as well. (Another set of eyes is always a good thing.) I'll also be hearing from a couple of surgeons about meeting with them to talk through options.

Since it might not be surgery though, my maintenance treatment scheduled for next week remains on the calendar for now. Many things still TBD.

On this day

On this day exactly one year ago, I played soccer with my friends for the first time after 9 months off post-diagnosis. I remember that it was mostly an emotional and mental win that night, as the physical soccer part was a bit of a mess. But it's like riding a bike, right?

This pop-up memory (thank you facebook) reminds me of how lucky I have been over the last year, to feel like I'm still living the life that I want to be living.

Another day

Adulting means getting out of bed, especially when we don't want to.

Sometimes it feels so surreal to have an experience like yesterday at the ER, and then today be back to work, just another day.

I did talk to my oncologist's office and we are going to hold off on any further chemo pills this week until I can get in to see them next Tuesday.

If these walls could talk

• Trip to the ER at Big Barnes

I was at work this morning when I started having pain and what felt like pressure in my chest. And it was kinda scary. After a phone call to my oncologist's office, Hector came and took me to the ER down at Big Barnes on their suggestion.

I had a good conversation with the nurse who checked my vitals and ran an EKG (which was completely normal). He is being treated at Siteman for bladder cancer. I said to him, something like, "oh man I'm sorry, that really sucks." And he said, "that's what I say about colon cancer." I guess it's just the cancer part, that part really sucks. I don't think he necessarily treated me any differently than any other patient, but it is a bond, one cancer patient to another. We got to laugh about the bagpipe player that he had at treatment the other day and I think he was jealous of the Irish dancers that were at my last treatment.

I eventually made it back to an exam room, and I stared at these blinds for about 6 hours. There was a TV in the room but the sound was weird so it only lasted on for a few minutes. And I looked at my phone a few times, but I really was just there, in that room, looking at the blinds, and listening to the sounds outside my room.

They ran some blood tests and I did get to venture outside of my room for a chest x-ray and a chest CT. (Getting the x-ray took longer than expected, as the tech suggested that we allow a police guarded woman to get her x-ray ahead of me. Go riiiight ahead.)  They were checking to make sure that I didn't have a blood clot and also checking my blood for signs of heart damage (Troponin test). The doctor that was responsible for me when I arrived talked to my oncologist's office directly and I found that to be really reassuring. When she came in and explained what tests we were doing and why we were doing them, she was compassionate and kind. Unfortunately, that was the last that I saw of her.

After a shift change, a second doctor came in much later to go over my test results. Basically, they didn't find anything new and I'm not pregnant (no divine intervention to report). She offered (a couple of times) to give me a script for pain medication, which I turned down, and then she set my discharge in motion.

It was a roller coaster day of emotions and I'm glad that it's over.