Home at last

• Discharged from the hospital

I (thankfully) don't have a ton of memories from my week-long hospital stay, strong pain meds and a mind wandering at a million miles an hour will do that to you. I remember Hector staying with me day and night, and I remember Laura and my parents coming in and out throughout the week. I remember seeing my friends Anna and Brenda. I remember Sheila, Tina, & Mike stopping by and visiting with Hector on a night that I wasn't up for visitors. I remember the balloons from my brother, the flowers from family, and the edible arrangement from work. Pineapple shaped like a daisy anyone? And these are all positive memories.

Even meeting Dr. G and Dr. R in the hospital and talking with them about some frightening stuff is booked in my brain as good memory. I can't change this diagnosis, so let's talk about it, let's plan for it, let's do this.

Toughest day so far

• Pathology results discussed with Dr. C

Hector and I are alone in hospital room in the morning when Dr. C stops in by himself. He checks my abdomen and drain, and then in just a few brief sentences, he tells us that the pathology shows that the cancer did not start in my ovary but in my gastrointestinal tract. Stage IV. He mentions that another doctor will be by to see me and then he leaves the room. The last time I'll ever see him. The fear that I sense in Hector's eyes and the fear that I feel in my own body are overwhelming. OVERWHELMING.

The day everything changed

• Surgery

I remember feeling surprisingly calm waiting for things to get started. I remember holding Hector's hand. I remember one of the hospital volunteers coming around and telling us a couple of jokes. We laughed at his silly puns and the old man went on his way, down to the next room. And then more nurses came and then more doctors, and then I was off, rolling down the hall.

When I woke up, I was in a room with a couple of nurses, but noone else. I remember asking them a few questions and within a few answers, I knew exactly what had happened. It was cancer and I'd had a total hysterectomy, along with an appendectomy. Dr. C had done staging for what was being presented as ovarian cancer, meaning he'd taken other samples to see how far the cancer had already progressed. My thoughts immediately went to Hector, Laura, and my parents who were all somewhere in this building, having already heard the news. I couldn't help it and I started crying for what felt like hours.

Still Super

• Phone call with Dr. S

It's a Saturday but Dr. S is at the hospital today and he asks me to call him to discuss the appointment that I had yesterday down at BB and to talk about surgery on Monday. Always pleasant and kind, Dr. S's voice gets more serious to reiterate what I need to be prepared for on Monday and I understand. I don't need this conversation to confirm Dr. S's awesomeness, but it does.

The first brother M

• Second opinion appointment with Dr. DM, set-up by Dr. S's office

The Center for Advanced Medicine building at Big Barnes (BB) is quite intimidating. The big parking garage (that isn't free) and all the big glass windows and all the people. Holy cow, all the people. Once I've worked my way through it all and I get settled in his office, Dr. DM, who has a super reputation, is kind and smart and accommodating. He, like Dr. S, does not believe that it is a cancerous mass, and his recommendations are right along with the others. He offers his help, if there's anything else that he can ever do for me. I get the feeling that he's seen a lot of patients come and go but he's treated them all with respect and hope. "I'm going to call you in a week and you're going to tell me that it was not cancerous", he says to me. His confidence is reassuring.

Freak out

• Phone call with Dr. S

In the three days since my appointment with Dr. C, I've officially started to freak out. When I call to talk with Dr. S to confirm the surgery, he wants to make sure I understand what will happen on the 23rd exactly and the extent to which the surgery might go. I know he can tell that I'm hesitant and he offers to set-up an appointment to get a second surgical opinion if that's what I want. And that's what I want.

Tough appointment

• Appointment with Dr. C

I was expecting not-so-warm and not-so-fuzzy today, but everything about this appointment seems tense and cold and uncomfortable. Dr. C says that he is recommending a hysterectomy and it brings me to tears in his office. I'm listening to everything that he is saying but my mind is 1,000 miles away instantly. I'm getting married in two months. I have no idea what all else was said but Dr. C tells me that he'll discuss my case with Dr. S and I should call either of them if I have any questions or concerns. I feel like he's had this conversation 10,000 times before and nothing about it makes me feel like I am more than anything but another number.

Surgery.

• Appointment with Dr. S

The ultrasound confirms the ovarian mass that the ER saw and the blood work shows that my ovarian cancer tumor marker is slightly elevated. Dr. S explains that this marker is not a good diagnostic tool and is often elevated in non-cancerous situations and not elevated in cancerous situations. However, the verdict is that we need to remove the mass. Surgery. Dr. S goes over the recommended surgery with me, we discuss removing the mass (hopefully laproscopically) and we go over having the pathology tests run on a sample during the surgery to see if anything else should be removed. He recommends that I meet with a gyn oncologist, Dr. C, to talk with him about the surgery as well. If the pathology comes back positive for cancer, it would be Dr. C that would then take over the surgery and staging. He mentions that Dr. C's bedside manner is not warm and fuzzy, but that he is a great surgeon and Dr. S says that he would trust his own wife to him. I'm sold. Great surgeon is what we want.

The awesome Dr. S

• Appointment with Dr. S

Dr. S met with me and then ordered an ultrasound and some bloodwork. I have an appointment to return tomorrow to discuss the results of both. At random times over the years (I first started seeing Dr. S (male) some 20 years ago), I wondered, should I switch to a female gyn? Would I be more comfortable talking to a lady about this stuff. I never switched because Dr. S is an awesome physician and person. And meeting with him again on this day confirms that. He's both comforting but forthcoming. I'm pretty sure he'd never hurt a fly. He's literally, Super.

Concern --> Call --> ER

• ER

A lingering pain in my lower right abdominal quadrant (for about a week) leads me to call my primary care doctor, Dr. W. She's been my primary care doctor since I was 18, but that's 20 years of mostly healthy history. Dr. W seems willing to wait and see me the following morning in her office, as it is already 4 p.m. when I speak to her, but she's concerned that it could be an appendicitis and she suggests that I head to the ER. Seeing as the hospital is in the same network as her practice, she contacts the ER to let them know I am coming.

They run some tests and my appendix looks good. What doesn't look good is the mass that they see next to my right ovary. That doesn't look good at all. I'm released with some pain meds and directed to call my gyn in the morning and to get in to see him... tomorrow. Wow that urgency isn't frightening at all, thank you ER.